Riana is the author of 7 books, including “Love Beyond Your Dreams - Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve” which is a best-seller on Amazon (https://amzn.to/2RmqwUd) and helps couples and individuals navigate the world of successful partnering on her website: www.rianamilne.com.
Want to buy one of the limited NFTs for this episode? Click here!ABOUT THIS EPISODE
I love talking about relationships. I talk about them all the time, and I am always curious about them… which is why this episode’s guest is so intriguing!
Riana Milne was told at a young age that no one in her family was ever going to go to a therapist, so she did exactly what every strong-willed child will do… she BECAME a therapist. Not just any therapist either, Riana became an expert in relationships and how to fix them or learn how to move on from them. Riana is also an author of 7 books, including “Love Beyond Your Dreams - Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve” which is a best-seller on Amazon (https://amzn.to/2RmqwUd
) and helps couples and individuals navigate the world of successful partnering on her website: www.rianamilne.com
Riana and I talk about relationships, which should be pretty obvious, but we also talk about her dad who was a spy. No, seriously, he was a legit spy, like James Bond, and the stories are INCREDIBLE! We also talk about the 10 types of childhood trauma that you no doubt have experienced and somehow Riana and I find a way to make it lighthearted and fun! Then, we record a sketch because isn’t that the whole point of this show?
This episode’s sketch: “Living With a Monster”
Originally published 1/28/2019.
Sketch Comedy Podcast Show is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
© Copyright 2022 Stuart Rice
SUBSCRIPTIONS & REVIEWS
MORE ABOUT THE GUEST
Riana Milne’s mission is to help women, men and couples of all ages overcome and heal from past childhood, dating, and relationship trauma to move on to create a life and relationship they are passionate about.
Over 22 years of research is at the core of the Dating to Mating System for Singles and the Relationship Rescue Coaching program for Couples. Riana’s experience with working with Trauma includes: being a SAC – Student Assistance Counselor for grades K through College); working with kids of Trauma in the Psych Division of a major Southern NJ hospital system, working with Women of the Prison System and adolescents in two different Rehab Facilities. Riana was called by the major news networks during the tragedy of 911 to speak on how to heal this horrendous trauma our children, families, and country has endured. Riana has had numerous radio and TV shows and appearances; all with a Mission of “Helping to Change the Way the World Loves.”
With the “Mindset for Success,” Riana started teaching at age 26 to Models, Actors, Singers and Dancers at the Award-winning Riana Model & Talent School and Agency.
Using a holistic, individualized coaching approach designed to help every woman, man and couple better understand themselves both emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, the Life & Love Coaching Transformation programs were all designed to help every person to create the life they desire and to have the love they deserve.
[00:00:00] Stuart: in this episode. Love guru, Rihanna Milne and I came up with a few sketches. You know we talked to, I mean we talked about the the childhood traumas. Having that person come in and trying to have all 10 of the childhood traumas, but they don't. So they're trying to make it up as they go along dealing with with the worst couple ever. And uh so you're talking to the man and then the woman separately to find out about how completely awful their relationship is. What happens if your parents come and visit you. Your mom and dad, your mom and dad come and visit you for relationship advice. Which one did we pick? You'll find out on this episode of it's a sketch comedy podcast show. Welcome to sketch comedy podcast show. The one of a kind show where I Stuart rice invite interesting people to have intriguing conversations and then improvise a comedy sketch based on what we talked about. It's the only show like it on the internet, I don't know about you but I love talking about relationships. I talk about them all the time and I'm always curious about them, which is why this episode's guest is so intriguing. Rihanna millen was told at a young age that no one in her family was ever going to go to a therapist. So she did exactly what every strong willed child will do. She became a therapist. Not just any therapist either. Rihanna became an expert in relationships and how to fix them or learn how to move on from them. Rihanna is also the author of seven books including Love Beyond Your Dreams break free of toxic relationships to have the love you deserve, which is a best seller on amazon. And she also helps couples and individuals navigate the world of successful partnering on her website at Rihanna Milne dot com. Rihanna and I talk about relationships which should be pretty obvious, but we also talked about her dad who was a spy. No, seriously, he was a legit spy. Like James Bond and the stories are incredible. We also talked about the 10 types of childhood trauma that you no doubt have experienced. And somehow Rihanna and I find a way to make it light hearted and fun. Then we record a sketch because isn't that the whole point of the show And now my conversation with Rihanna Milne, love guru whose dad was a secret spy.
[00:02:44] Riana: Yeah,
[00:02:45] Stuart: give it to me still what makes you interesting
[00:02:50] Riana: ah Life what occurred to me in life how I've dealt with things in life. And you know, one thing I loved about your show is you've got to have fun. You know, you can't take everything so damn seriously, you gotta have fun ship happens to everybody. So that's what makes it interesting, right? Because life happens to all of us.
[00:03:13] Stuart: It does and it's I think it's what we do with uh with the craft that we get flung, right? That's the that's the big thing and I think that's probably we could probably talk quite a bit about, you know, how you deal with that crap and yeah, well
[00:03:29] Riana: Spiritually we say it's the earth school, right? So in Buddhism, they say, you know, you're supposed to learn lessons in life, it's not supposed to be a joyride 100% of the time. So when you get challenged, the important thing is to have the conscious positive mindset to deal with the stuff that's going to come your way.
[00:03:51] Stuart: And how do you do that? How do you, how does some, how does one go, man, my life is locked or this thing happened or my dog died or whatever other country song thing you can think of. Like how do you come out of that and just kind of go, yeah, I learned a lesson and how am I going to use this going forward? Well, this is
[00:04:10] Riana: What we call mindset work. So most people, eight out of 10 people have eight out of 10 negative thinking All the time. It's called our self talk, what we say inside of our heads. And that all comes from our conditioning as Children. So what I call childhood traumas that many of us experience actually research shows 90% of people experienced childhood trauma. So how we deal with that is how we deal with anything else that's difficult as an adult, but the good thing is we can train our minds to be not only act from the unconscious emotional triggers that most people do instead to be consciously aware and it's also a faith based system that, you know, we understand lessons will happen, we don't always understand why at the time, but even when bad things happen, we have to look at it in a positive way and say, what can I learn from this? What can I do from this? What is this trying to teach me at this time? You know, maybe I'm supposed to let this partner go because a new one is coming into my life that would even be better and more evolved and consciously, emotionally healthy for me, you know? Yeah, I
[00:05:18] Stuart: actually am a big fan of the uh when it's not working like move on with the relationship and now we'll be talking a great deal about relationships. I know that this is going to happen, but I this is this has been my thing is if if you've got a really hard, it's really hard and you really have to work at it within the first year, Maybe not right? Maybe not the thing if you notice within the first couple of dates, like I really don't like this or that it's like, well maybe it's time to cut that.
[00:05:51] Riana: Well, really, when you're falling in love the right relationship does feel easy and it's comfortable and you can be your authentic self and this is what I tell my clients they have to look for. You know, you don't need to manipulate or control or convince somebody to love you when it's right. It just falls into line beautifully. And usually that there is a lot of negotiation in the first year because obviously you're two different people. So you need to understand what this person likes. Part partner A and partner B and negotiate those differences through. So there's nothing wrong with a little bit of drama. But if it's constant cheap drama, you've got the signs and there's a lot of signs that the relationship is toxic. So if it becomes toxic, you don't stay. Obviously if there's emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, you know, cheating, extreme jealousy and control, you
[00:06:47] Stuart: don't want to
[00:06:50] Riana: and then being yelled at right?
[00:06:53] Stuart: Yeah, yeah, I, I agree with you and I, you know, I have older Children, I have, I have a 21 year old and an 18 year old and a 14 year old who's eventually gonna enter into the dating pool, I'm
[00:07:04] Riana: sure.
[00:07:05] Stuart: But my, my statement is always like, hey, have fun, but like don't get too attached to the idea of being in a relationship with someone because relationships don't always last. They often evolve and this is kind of where it's gonna get kind of fun because I'm curious what you think about what I'm saying to my kids and raising them. Okay,
[00:07:31] Riana: well the number one thing is you want to be a good role model, would that be you? You know, so
[00:07:37] Stuart: I role model. I didn't ask to be no role model.
[00:07:42] Riana: Yeah. Well sorry, I kind of came with the birthing instructions. You are the dad, you are the role model. So for the male version of you know if you have the daughters and you do the first man she falls in love with is her dad. So can she believe in you? Does she trust you? Do you follow through on your word? You know how you discipline? Is it with love and and the word discipline actually means to teach. We are to be the teachers of our Children and if you're yelling and screaming and hitting your kids, guess what? They grow up doing the same thing and they grow up to be very defiant teens. So I worked in the school from grades kindergarten all the way through college with kids that came from traumatic homes and then they're saying, well why are they acting out as teenagers? Well, hello. You know, what did you show them when they were kids? You know, is that the domestic violence household situation? Well, that's what they were modeled. So it's really important as parents that what you do is really conscious and aware and you teach them what you want them to know. So how you model the relationship with their mom is going to say a lot about love. So even the divorce people out there, you know, still treat your ex partner with love and respect because your kids want to love both of you. It's not a tug of war. You know, not one parents supposed to be loved and the other or you're going for points. No, you know, you want to support both mom and dad and the kids and their actions and support them together.
[00:09:11] Stuart: I completely agree. I completely agree. And that's that actually speaking about the divorce, I think that that's a very good example of of a relationship that Mhm, I was very attached to being married, that was something I'm very attached to. And then when it stopped being us being married, I was very angry for a little bit and then I realized like that relationship just it my feelings about her. Um my feelings changed her feelings obviously changed towards me. But my my the feeling of like care and love for that person didn't go away. It's just it evolved, it evolved into instead of being a romantic relationship that turned into more of a friendship and I think that people get just totally attached to, I'm the married guy or my life is I'm I'm a good wife or whatever it is, you get attached to that. And then the next thing, you know, when that other person isn't isn't attached to that same situation and then all of a sudden you can't handle the
[00:10:15] Riana: Change in the role. I mean, you you take on that role and you take it on seriously with your vows of commitment of course and you know, the roles of my mom and my dad as well as I'm a wife and a husband are important roles and we buy into it 150%, you know, so when that dissolves or goes away, you know, it's part of losing the dream of what you thought it was going to be and that's the sad part is. So, anger often comes out as a form of depression. So Stuart you actually could have been a little bit depressed about the ending and that's how it came out as anger.
[00:10:52] Stuart: Oh yeah, well, I mean depression, that's a whole nother show. Welcome to your therapy. I
[00:11:01] Riana: could talk all day about this stuff,
[00:11:04] Stuart: I couldn't I couldn't afford to. Now you are a life love and relationship with that now three things. Life love and relationships. So you're a coach for all three things. Yes, Really
[00:11:21] Riana: Life dating and relationships. So I am a life coach and love coach for singles and couples.
[00:11:28] Stuart: Okay, and how does that change? How does that conversation change between a single person and a couple as far as what they should be looking for and
[00:11:36] Riana: Okay, well, every one of my clients has gone through many of the 10 childhood traumas, that's why they're attracted to me as a certified clinical trauma professional and they hear me speak about the 10 traumas and they're like, oh my gosh, she's talking to me, I want to solve this and get beyond this. And they are recognizing that they're sabotaging their relationships. They don't want to, they really want love. Some of these people really crave love to the point of being codependent, love addicted. Um but they truly do want love. So the singles, when it comes to coaching them, they tend to get into repetitive, toxic relationships and they can't figure out why they keep attracting the same kind of toxic partner. When I have couples, they seem to have these cycles of great love and then great fighting and the fighting keeps about the same topics and the past keeps getting drudged up and they each need to feel like they're right and nobody is being heard or respected. So I have to re educate my couples to first understand each other's childhood traumas. Second forgive each other of the past and leave the past where it belongs behind that door. It's locked shut. It doesn't have to come out anymore. And they're living in the now and creating their future and with that is a new form of empathy to understand each childhood, their childhood pain and now they don't take it so personally while he's doing this to me and he's attacking me. No, he's having a moment going back to his childhood trauma and I understand this is not about me, it's about the way he's handling it. So there's an education around the childhood traumas and then teaching a brand new way of communicating through the issues.
[00:13:21] Stuart: That's uh that's it sounds incredibly utilitarian and effective.
[00:13:28] Riana: It works great. Yeah, I wouldn't
[00:13:31] Stuart: be doing it. Yeah,
[00:13:33] Riana: it's a brand new way of friendship, closeness and the passion comes back and they don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore because it's just like the singles are understanding what they're doing to sabotage their relationships, but this one has a committed relationship, they're married or living together. I have kids together and they're able to negotiate through and talk more reasonably and rationally and negotiate a win win for everybody.
[00:14:02] Stuart: Yeah. That um where were you like six years ago? Yes, I've been like
[00:14:08] Riana: lone soul trying to get the message out to the world. It's kind of a big territory to cover. You know, I
[00:14:13] Stuart: can't help you as much as possible. Um Mine was a little bit different unfortunately, had that might be a fun thing to talk about later. Um speaking of childhood trauma, like people think childhood trauma and they're like, oh obviously you're in a war zone or childhood trauma goes to like you have to have been sexually abused for it to qualify as childhood trauma or physically abused, like beat or like horrifically mentally abused uh what what are what are actual childhood traumas because we forget child Children are small and they don't have very much life experience. And so things can be very traumatic small things can be very traumatic if
[00:14:58] Riana: that's correct. That's because they emotionally don't have, you know, the capacity in their brain to handle it. They don't have the emotional knowledge to handle traumas. And most of us grow up looking back, well, my childhood was pretty normal and a few bumps in the road, but you don't think it was trauma. So the 10 traumas and I always advise your listeners to write them down because later they're like, oh my God, I had like seven of them. What were they again? So if you write them down, you want to meet with me later, which I do offer all your listeners to um, you know, reach out to me if they want to discuss this with me. So I will ask how many of the 10 did you have? So the first one and you want to put down three columns me an ex partner or current partner and then parents, because research shows it goes through the generations. So remember when you're experiencing this, you're a very innocent little child. This is not to put blame or anger on anybody. It's just a fact these things happened. So trauma happens to you. It's not like you caused any of this. So there should be no guilt or shame around it. So the first one is if your parents had any addiction. So the typical ones, we think of our drugs alcohol, but there's also sex if the parent was out there cheating a lot porn, gambling, hoarding, spending, eating, gaming, tv watching workaholism. Now there's 11 right there, I'm sure there's other addictions, but those are the ones I mentioned and people like, oh yeah, that was an addiction. My mom ate all the time, especially when she's just nervous, you know, So there are other addictions other than drugs and alcohol number two if there was verbal abuse, so we're not talking just witnessing mom and dad in a domestic violence situation, although that's one of them, but verbal abuse is also never hearing, I love you or being verbally put down or your opinion doesn't matter or you know, just you'll never amount to anything, you know, some of these horrible things that our coaches, teachers or parents would say to us and not think twice it really does affect a little person and their psyche, so any kind of verbal humiliation put downs are not being told, I love you. Third one is emotional abuse or neglect. We all know the severe forms of that, but the research also shows if you were a working parent, a single parent working 9 to 5 and your child had to come home at three o'clock from school, let themselves into their own work. There's fear and anxiety around that for the child, so that is actually stated as a form of neglect and what are we doing about working to support our family. So we don't see it in that way, but it is one of the, the emotional traumas. Next one is physical abuse, rape or molestation or physical beating that I always thought was level 10 traumas, but they're also saying, you know, the verbal could be as much a level 10 trauma if you got it repetitive lee. Okay, the next one is abandonment and there's two types, there's fault and no fault, abandonment. So in no fault abandonment, three examples would be if your parent went off to war if they worked a lot outside of the home and you're wondering where they are. Now, that was one of my examples. My dad was James bond, he was FBI and CIA and we didn't even know it until he was sick and then we got letters from Ronald Reagan and William Casey. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I was asking her mom, when's daddy coming home? She goes, well, I don't know all piste off and she didn't know and she had five kids to raise. So that whole dynamic was a form of abandonment.
[00:18:28] Stuart: Okay, definitely, I want to put a pin in that one, We're going to revisit that one.
[00:18:32] Riana: Alright, Yes, so then the fault abandonment is if there's a divorce and let's say dad leaves the home and he promises to see the kids on the weekends and then he cancels it last minute or doesn't show up or shows up late or you go to the house and he's more interested in his new girlfriend than in you the kids. So that's a fault, abandonment. The next one is living with relatives or being part of foster care or adoption or like one of my clients said, what if I chose to live at somebody else's house because I didn't want to go home. So after school, she always went to her friend's house, did homework at dinner and then she had to go home in time to go to bed. And I said, yes, that counts too. You just didn't want to be at home where you could not be it with your parents. The next one trauma. Number seven is very common. It's personal trauma and this is if you were bullied, put down, didn't feel good enough, didn't feel like you fit in, You might have been more born with a medical condition or let's say you're a little overweight child or skinny and gawky like I was, you know, so those are some of the personal traumas you could have gone through. Number eight is sibling trauma. Either your sibling was born with a medical condition or they might have bullied you or the most common. They were perceived by you to be the golden child. The most favored of mom and dad and the last one. Um, trauma. Number nine is family trauma that could be a parent incarcerated, um, losing your home by flood fire, the mortgage crisis. There was a lot of homes lost back then and I'm also bringing into that now there's more than 10 traumas, these are the most common, but from the later list on bringing in community trauma, which is our school shootings, mass, mass shootings that are becoming so prevalent. Um the destruction of nature today, we've got volcanoes going, I didn't grow up with any volcanoes going off in our country, We've got massive floods and hurricanes and fires and mudslides and everything else. That's, it's devastating for the adults. Can you imagine that little kids going through this kind of devastation is very traumatic and you mentioned the war zone and I didn't have a client in Lebanon that grew up with bombs actively going off and she's every on, I don't know if I'll be alive every day when I was waking up as a kid, you know, that was like my alive and might still here. So she woke up with that thought first thing every morning and then the last one is if there was a mental health issue and mom and dad, my generation, nobody was diagnosed, they used to say, um you know, nobody would go to counseling back then and I remember I was sad around a boy who kind of like jilted me and didn't show up for a date, I was very sad. I said, I think I need to go to a counselor and she goes, no one in this family will grow up to go to a counselor, so I said, well I will grow up to be one and I did because there's so much shame around counseling back then, but the common ones that are difficult to have and your parents is borderline personality which is fast trigger anger. Um you love them or hate them, you never know what you're going to get that day, they get excessively angry over something that is stupid or mundane and it's like Jekyll and Hyde, you just don't know what you're gonna get and the other one is bipolar which is manic and depressive, real happy happy ups and angry or depressive lows. So those are the 10 traumas.
[00:21:56] Stuart: Yeah, that last one can be very traumatic when you don't know exactly who that person is very scary. Yeah, I just feel like if I stay down and depressed all the time that way, it's nice and even keel for the kids, they're not gonna worry about it.
[00:22:11] Riana: That's not a good one
[00:22:13] Stuart: crying in his room again, it's fine,
[00:22:16] Riana: You're emotionally checking out a kind of depression.
[00:22:21] Stuart: So how
[00:22:21] Riana: many did you have Stuart
[00:22:24] Stuart: how many of those that I have? So from my parents? Oh, how many of these have I had? So let's say, I guess a little bit of the addiction um uh Bullied a little bit when I was a kid
[00:22:46] Riana: because I've done a study on comedians, media that comedians have come from very traumatic backgrounds,
[00:22:52] Stuart: Oh we're all yeah, I don't really qualify as a comedian because I'm not that messed up. No, not that
[00:23:01] Riana: it's a qualifying eight and you have to have a, like, like, like
[00:23:05] Stuart: if you get the sense or more than you're okay, you're okay to be in in stand up comedy. Otherwise it's like just stay at home and do a podcast. Um yeah, you know, I later on and like not as a child that I experienced, but the mental instability I experienced later on, but unfortunately kids did. Yeah,
[00:23:28] Riana: yeah, so it's proven that it goes through the generations, mom and dad probably had something that we had something and our kids can have it if we don't get a handle on it. But the good news is those traditions can be stopped which are totally aware of those types of triggers, emotional triggers and you go from unconscious to conscious awareness. This is when they stop. So a lot of my clients may have rough relationships with our kids and that's one of the reasons they sign up to work with me and that's under the life portion, working out things in life or problems in careers or financial troubles just can't seem to have that successful life that they're hoping for procrastination, you know, and then there's the love portion which could be jealousy control. Um, not feeling good enough and always sabotaging your relationship. So it's equally important to address both.
[00:24:24] Stuart: I agree, I agree. Now have, has have you ever run into like someone who is talking a great deal about a traumatic experience as a child and even you were like, you had a little bit of an eye roll moment, like all right, So they didn't take you to toys the rest of that day,
[00:24:48] Riana: a little bit of that, feel sorry for me mentality. I'm always the victim. Yes. And this is part of the response. Some people really buy into the story to get love that way. It's love from pity. So instead I teach empowerment. So I do ask their story and of course as a trauma specialist, I'm very sensitive, but sometimes I have to like kind of give them a little smack in the face and say, come on now, you know, we can't stay stuck in your drama. Do you really want to stay stuck there and then, you know, feel sorry for me story or are you ready to put your big boy panties on and say I'm ready to move forward and get beyond this and stop looking for some people to feel sorry for me and actually
[00:25:34] Stuart: the expression big boy panties because
[00:25:40] Riana: the guy with the pants and kind of blurred them. But anyway, um you know, because the men that are chronic cheaters actually, um they are looking for that, that motherly love, they didn't get or the attention from the female that they didn't get as a kid, You know, they might have been the gawky, you know, shy kid and they're looking for that female love. So they're the chronic cheater and they're living in that story of I deserve this because I didn't get this as a kid. Now, it's unconscious, they're not saying that out loud to everyone, but as soon as the female would feel, giving them some attraction, he goes, oh yeah, I love this, I need this. And that's why they tend to did not get as much of that as a child.
[00:26:29] Stuart: So I I let's talk about me for just a minute because it's interesting that you mentioned that um I don't cheat, but I'm in an ethically non monogamous relationship. Um yeah, I I think it's good, it works out really great. I think um I guess we'd have to ask my girlfriend to see if she really advise it on it. Like keep me out of the room and ask her. But uh does it, do do things change a little bit your perception of, of how that relationship is going, Does that change with something like ethic ethic, non monogamy or even just non monogamy or just
[00:27:07] Riana: Yeah, you have to, I
[00:27:08] Stuart: mean we've got a lot of relationships going on these days, I live in Portland, it's all over the board. So I'm just curious like, how does it change?
[00:27:15] Riana: It's true, I mean you have to both agree with what you want up front, you know, if this is, if you're agreeing to live in the lifestyle, which is an open relationship, there's even rules in the lifestyle community if you're living exclusively together, but not marrying, you both have to be on board with that, it shouldn't be Yes, I agree to this, we're living together in a year later, they're like, well I really want to marry, you know, because that's not what the agreement was up front, or if the agreement was, I'd prefer not to marry until I mean live together until we're engaged, then that may be a more conservative couple, but that's their agreement. So really that has whatever relationship style you choose, it has to be totally discussed up front the rules around that discussed so that you both feel comfortable and you're on board with it.
[00:28:04] Stuart: Any sort of relationship that you one of these like different types of relationships that you're like i that even just does not, I don't even know how to approach that. Of course you're going to say no because you're a professional, but
[00:28:18] Riana: I've studied all of it, you know, I'm not here to judge anybody, you know, people can love in the way that they feel is best for them that the part I'm concerned about is hurting anyone else along the way. You know, I would rather see a couple in a lifestyle relationship where it's open than two people being together and what let's say the female thinks is an exclusive relationship, which is monogamous, and then the guys out there cheating on her now, this is where someone's gonna get hurt. So this is why I said it takes too evolved. People now evolved means being your highest and best self meaning, being true to integrity, doing the right things when nobody's looking the honorable to your word and when two people are doing that, you have the best relationship, if one is being honorable to their word and following what the agreement was and the other one's way off and left field, doing whatever the freaky wants, then we've got a problem, You know, that is a problem. So this is when the relationship becomes toxic, toxic because then it's filled with lies and, you know, hurting others other people.
[00:29:22] Stuart: Yeah, it's funny, this is the most secure relationship I've ever been in because I know that there's not gonna be any lies, there's not gonna be any subterfuge with any of this. Because
[00:29:34] Riana: jealousy,
[00:29:35] Stuart: of course, there's jealousy. I actually, I look at jealousy is a different thing if, and of course, any time my partner says, hey, I went out blah blah blah, and it's like, oh, that's that feeling of jealousy and it's like, oh, but it's kind of refreshing because it's like, oh yeah, I care, like, I know I care, of course I'm gonna feel these feelings and I gotta just figure out, like, why am I feeling these feelings? And it's always like, oh, it's because, you know, internally, I've got this voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not good enough
[00:30:07] Riana: with Trauma seven. But
[00:30:09] Stuart: over, over the years, like it's become much more diminished and so it's like, that voice doesn't speak as loud so where it might be like someone, you know, my partner will say, hey, I did this and it's like, oh man, I'm getting those feelings and but why they're subsiding and it's really that fast and within a conversation, I can be, well, tell me about it. Like how did it go and and those types of things and it's been it's been really refreshing. Um I think for both of us, because I think we both have the same thing and and she'll tell me like, I'm feeling really jealous and it's like I understand.
[00:30:46] Riana: Yeah. So jealousy does mean, yes, that you care about your partner if there was no jealousy, but then we worry about any of this being way off again the grid where you're yelling and screaming and ranting and raving and throwing things because you're jealous that's destructive jealousy or control, you know, so if it's jealousy and you say, oh, I feel these pangs because I love you babe, then that's totally different than this. Anger and control jealousy.
[00:31:16] Stuart: Oh, I agree. Yeah, that's that is disgusting not disgusting. I don't want to use that word, I want to use the word um troubling is when you're feeling like you have to control somebody else's emotions. I um I know when I was younger, you know young and foolish and didn't know anything. Um I used to try to negotiate feelings, which I look back on now and I'm like, what was I trying to do? Like, no, you should stay because
[00:31:46] Riana: right,
[00:31:48] Stuart: and like doing well, you
[00:31:50] Riana: cared and you wanted it to stay together. But a lot of people that I work with are very successful in business but struggle in love and they can't figure out if I'm so successful over here, why can't I get love? Right? Well, the success actually comes from one of the childhood traumas or a couple of them. So it could have been verbal put downs. You'll never amount to anything if you heard that from dad or you know, being teased and bullied, oh you're a nerd, you know, you're never going to do anything. It's like inside we have what's called the watch me attitude, which is the mindset for success. It's like really, it's not an anger defiance, It's a way to talk yourself into the strength that you need to be successful. So this comes from a lot of people of childhood trauma, They can be very successful in life and there's many examples of this in our actors and politicians and business people who have had very sad childhoods, but success was bred from that sad childhood, but the love peace was never handled and that's why they still struggle in love today. That's the reason. So we analyzed both. And then when a lot of the women in their relationships, that same control they needed in business to be successful, they try to control their man, which is really difficult because now we've got the male ego and the caveman brain that we're dealing with, that needs to feel he's the provider and he's, you know, strong to take care of his woman. And as soon as that feeling is diminished, the relationship suffers as well,
[00:33:23] Stuart: yep. Yes, I have seen that. I've seen friends of mine have that issue and I personally just ladies, I don't have that issue. If you want to be the breadwinner, I am down.
[00:33:39] Riana: But here's the problem. Right? Once the woman becomes the breadwinner and she's forced to quote, be the man stereotypically the cave woman's brain, she always wants to feel safe. No matter how successful she is, she wants to feel nurtured, cherished, safe and taken care of no matter what. So now she's become the man and now there's going to be all kinds of weird dynamics because she can't count on her man to be the man. So this is all old brain caveman, reptilian stuff going on.
[00:34:08] Stuart: Yeah, yeah, we're just never gonna be happy. I'm just kidding. Uh so let's go, let's go through some dating tips, Let's say we've got a single a single guy and we'll go, let's do this single male identified, single female identified. What, what's one tip that you could give, The single male identified, single female identified person to just kind of like make their lives a little bit easier
[00:34:36] Riana: to be your authentic self. You know, don't keep bringing your past into your present. You don't need to bring your ex up when you're on a date. You know, if someone asked you first, always say we had a lot of fun together and you did or you wouldn't have been with them, mentioned the good things and then say at the end, you know, but this one thing was just not aligning with my life, like he just wasn't financially responsible and I just couldn't live with that, but I wish him well done 23 sentences. That's it. So don't bring your past up, be your authentic self. Say if you're on dating sites be real, don't put your age down 10 years younger, younger and you show up while I look 10 years younger, don't I? And I'm there. You know, you really don't, you know, I say what it is, I'm authentic, but have to the current picture is the current age be yourself, say what you want. Don't be negative, even in your profile.
[00:35:30] Stuart: So wait, you're saying that the picture I have with my 18" afro is not
[00:35:38] Riana: right now. No, that would be a little bit of stretching the truth.
[00:35:43] Stuart: True.
[00:35:44] Riana: So that's the important thing because you don't want to waste people's time. People are on dating sites really define someone. And if you're lying about who you are, that starts the entire friendship or relationship off with a lie. So therefore it's worth nothing.
[00:35:59] Stuart: That's a great point. That's a good point. And then you've got, let's just say we've got a couple and there may be struggling. What's the one tip that you could give? Like, hey, here's a good starting point mint, besides giving them your phone number in your car
[00:36:11] Riana: for giving me a call? Well the childhood traumas pretty deep work. So I can't say really, you know, understand each other's traumas until they get that chance to do that. But I would say keep in mind that you're a team, what is best for the team? It should be your way. It should only be his way to negotiate what is best for you to both and move forward with those one or two choices. Each of you should come up each of you should come up with two ideas and then negotiate which to our best to go with for the team. And if you two are good, take the time to date because if you have a family and you're not dating, you put the kids constantly first slipping them to their sports and doing this and doing that and you never have personal intimate time or day time together, that relationship is gonna fall apart. You think you're doing the right things by the kids, but you're not, you've got to keep the relationship strong. So once a weekend, whether that's friday or saturday night around the kids sports schedule, you say saturday nights, mom and dad's night or sunday afternoon and sunday evening, we're having our date, you're not doing anything, you know, that's our night and they have to understand that and when they grow up with that rule, it's just worked in as part of the family plan. They understand that.
[00:37:27] Stuart: I completely agree that was one of the, and that was my fault and my marriage was, I did not take that as precious as I should have.
[00:37:36] Riana: Yeah. You always want to keep dating your partner never stop twice a week is ideal.
[00:37:42] Stuart: Oh that is
[00:37:43] Riana: okay. And then it doesn't necessarily
[00:37:45] Stuart: have to be like, yeah, we're going to a play and a dinner like you can mean walking
[00:37:51] Riana: the beat, put your blanket down, share a bottle of wine and talk. That's always take a hike somewhere, you know and sit down and you know, just chat, just be real with each other and try not to be arrested
[00:38:05] Stuart: for public indecency. That's
[00:38:08] Riana: right.
[00:38:10] Stuart: We've had to bail, bombing
[00:38:13] Riana: down out of jail
[00:38:13] Stuart: so many times. Alright, so before we get into doing the sketch. I gotta ask your dad was a spy.
[00:38:23] Riana: Yeah. How much of this
[00:38:25] Stuart: you can talk about before we get to put you in a couple of
[00:38:29] Riana: stories. Yeah. That was kind of weird in my childhood. Okay, so in the milne household there's five kids and we had a whole neighborhood full of kids and everyone came to the door, back door, nobody goes to the front door in our neighborhood, right? It's like formal. So we're in the house and the front doorbell rings and like mom, someone's at the front door and she goes, well what would this be? And we, you know, and I'm sitting on the steps with my brother, we want to see who is. So she opens up the door, it's like are you mrs milne yes, where the police? You must come down to the police station. So my mom, this mother of five kids is being arrested. She goes for what? She goes, ma'am, you can't talk now, you've got to come without you guys just lock the doors. So we didn't know what was going on. And she says, my dad shows up now meanwhile my mom doesn't know he's fBR C. R. A. But how old
[00:39:20] Stuart: were you at this point? I was
[00:39:22] Riana: Like seven or 8. So she had to leave us behind. We locked the door and they come home within the hour and she goes, I said so what happened? She goes, I don't know. They said they said I had counterfeit money. Well she found a briefcase in the garage full of money and she says that Jack's hiding the money on me. You know she was pistol went deposit in the joint bank account and it was all counterfeit. So they arrested her for counterfeit money. He goes in talks to them for like two minutes walks out with my mother and they go home. So
[00:39:58] Stuart: she was, she
[00:40:00] Riana: was arrested. Didn't understand why it was counterfeit. She really thought he had all this money stashed aside from her. You know what was going on. And she just said you know you just don't ask me questions and someone asked me to hold a suitcase for him. I didn't know it was full of money you know that wasn't real and I have to give it back to him or something. She came up with some story but that was one of them. Another one is my family went to Key west florida every year and the family station wagon you know the Buick with the wood on the side five kids and the dog driving down and
[00:40:33] Stuart: because like
[00:40:36] Riana: I was always in the that was the fourth out of five kids and me and my little brother amongst all the suitcases in the cubby hall of the station wagon and we he was a colonel in the Air force. So we stay at Quantico and then we stayed at homestead on the way to Key west and the one time he takes a really weird diversion and goes to Macon Georgia and Macon Georgia was a really rough area of town for this caucasian family in a station wagon to be in at 12 midnight. My mom's there, Jack, I don't want to go there. Why don't we have to go to Macon Georgia? Just keep driving. I'm tired bev no, I'll drive. No, we're going to macon Georgia. Like we had no idea why we're like swerving off and going to this particular town. And the best way I could describe it at that time. And again, I was a little kid was it was the ghetto. Okay. And and uh we had no idea why we're going there and we kind of stayed in this kind of old hotel and we wake up the next day and the family leaves and we leave early. But there was a murder in the hotel and the police were investigating why there was a murder in the hotel. So my mom's there. See Jack's e there's some guy in there, you know, dangerous man in there killed somebody and our family could have been affected. So I mean he would never say if he was the one that did that. But I'm just putting pieces together and when he was sick with cancer I gave him a notebook and like dad, you know write down your stories because he wrote in the first page babe. You know, I can't write these stories down, they have to go with me to protect you when you're in the family. So when I saw that I'm like, oh come on dad, he goes, well you probably know a couple of them. I'm like what the suitcase of money? And he just laughs and shakes his head and like wait Macon Georgia. He was yeah why would we go to make him? You know, there's a couple of other things I could remember as a little kid that just seemed really weird and off. But yeah, so my dad was a spy and the weirdest thing is when I was a kid, when my favorite games to play was being a spy. Yeah, he used to just laugh and me and my younger brother scott, you know we even put the toy closet as our forts, you know the spy club business is what we called, you know, right
[00:42:52] Stuart: because a good spy agency has a spy building that says spy building on the
[00:42:57] Riana: outside. It's just club business, you know, we're just meeting for business. So little did I know my dad was really one
[00:43:05] Stuart: that's um that's amazing. So thank you for that. And that's a alright, well it is about that time, it's been about a half hour so I could keep talking to you all day because I have a relationship theories too. But um let's talk about making a sketch. Oh we did more than just think about recording a sketch we actually did, which you'll hear in just a little bit before I do that though, we had a lot of outtakes and a lot of additional conversation that you don't hear in this episode. However, it is available to our patrons. That's right. Go to Patreon dot com slash sketch com pod. That's S K E T C H C O M P O D and become a patron for a dollar a month. And you can hear the entirety of our conversation, our sketch recording with all the mistakes and even coming up with the sketch, it's actually a lot of fun. Plus you get the visual compendium, which is you actually get to see the video of us talking and Rihanna is a beautiful person. So you want to you want to be able to see that me not so much. Just cover up half your screen. Anyway, Rihanna, you're great. Your stories are amazing. What is a great way for people to get in touch with you
[00:44:30] Riana: Sure I want to help anyone that is relating to the childhood traumas or they know their suffering and sabotaging their love relationships or if they're single, they just keep in that repetitive relationship that keeps breaking their heart. That's what I'm there to help with. So just reach out to me on my website, it's Rihanna Milne dot com and it's a pop up window. Just tell me your story, tell me what's going on. No one else sees that but me and the 1st 10 listeners of steward show, I want to give you a free life and love transformation discovery session, it's a $500 value and for everyone else, there is a free e book that goes deeper into this topic. It's that have the love you deserve dot com. It's like a 12 page e book. It goes deeper and I'll answer a lot of your questions and you can also reach out to me through the book. So that's that have the love you deserve dot com or my website Rihanna milne dot com,
[00:45:28] Stuart: just going to say if you're having a hard time connecting with people were getting close to valentine's day. So you have somebody you're trying to target or you have a relationship now, that's not going so great. What a great valentine's gift to yourself and your partner to get the help that you need to make a healthy relationship for you going forward and now our sketch, living with a monster in three two.
[00:46:00] Riana: Mhm David Natalie, thank you for coming in. I know you were very concerned on the phone that you wanted to come see me. So we're just going to start by talking individually to each one of you. So Dave tell me, what are your concerns, what are you seeing happening in the relationship?
[00:46:16] Stuart: You know, it's just every time I try to talk, it just seems like you never, ever, ever just get out with it. All you do is just stammer on and on
[00:46:26] Riana: Natalie, you know? Let let Dave talk.
[00:46:29] Stuart: He's not gonna talk, He's just gonna sit there
[00:46:32] Riana: Natalie, you've got to give him his time to talk. I'm going to ask you second. Just give me 30 seconds to hear Dave for 11 minute here.
[00:46:39] Stuart: 30 seconds. I'm studying a timer on my Apple watch.
[00:46:43] Riana: Dave. Sorry about that.
[00:46:44] Stuart: It's okay. I just had a nice quiet upbringing. And
[00:46:49] Riana: did you, how did your parents relate to each other?
[00:46:53] Stuart: Well, they, you know, it's typical, they hated each other, but you know, it was really nice because it gave me a lot of time by myself in my
[00:47:01] Riana: room. Did you hear a lot of yelling and fighting between your mom and dad?
[00:47:06] Stuart: Well it was really the only time I ever heard their voices were when they were yelling at each other or then yelling at me to get out of the room so they could yell
[00:47:15] Riana: at each other some more. And what do you think is the problem with you and Natalie is yelling part of the relationship?
[00:47:23] Stuart: Well it's part of it. What are you trying to say? Sometimes I just want to have it be quieter. That's that's all
[00:47:31] Riana: okay, Natalie, let Dave, thank you but let me jump over to Natalie because she really seems anxious to want to share her opinion here.
[00:47:39] Stuart: You have two seconds left.
[00:47:41] Riana: Oh well let me jump ahead then. See I'm giving you an extra two seconds Natalie. So tell me, what do you think is going on between you and Dave? What's, what's the problem in your relationship?
[00:47:52] Stuart: Well, just look at him. He's just sitting there slumped over. He's always schlumpy.
[00:47:57] Riana: Well you kind of jumped on him when he was trying to say his side of the story. Did you see that or you didn't see that? See
[00:48:04] Stuart: what he wasn't talking. I don't have time to just sit here and stare at each other. I I've got, I've got work to do. I've got, I can't projects to work on. I've got other people I need to see.
[00:48:16] Riana: Okay, so then let's jump right to the issue and let's not talk about Dave right now. I want your opinion on what you think is going on in the relationship. Well,
[00:48:24] Stuart: I'll tell you exactly what's going on. He's not much fun. And all he does is he wants to sit there and that's all he wants to do. He never wants to go out or have people over you just, it's almost like he's embarrassed for me to be around people.
[00:48:40] Riana: Okay, so what's your idea of fun? What are you suggesting that you guys do together?
[00:48:44] Stuart: Well, you know, my thing is, is I really enjoy what I do for a living. I work a lot.
[00:48:50] Riana: Okay, well he can't share that with you. What would you like to share with Dave. Have you recommended some things you too can do together.
[00:48:58] Stuart: I like to eat. I would love to go out and eat more often. I don't know it starts off with a meal and then it ends up we go to a couple of different bob's big boys for all you can eat and it's
[00:49:11] Riana: it's not very romantic though Dave, you know, maybe more romantic restaurant Natalie. Let me get back to you, tell me a little bit about the household you were growing up in. What was mom and dad like
[00:49:22] Stuart: mom and dad were great, always so lively, animated. Everything was a big deal and I feel like that is life like that's how life should be. Everything should be a big
[00:49:34] Riana: deal. So was there a lot of yelling then in your household
[00:49:38] Stuart: yelling? What are you talking about? I don't remember any yelling
[00:49:42] Riana: ever when you're talking right now. You don't think this is yelling?
[00:49:46] Stuart: No. Look, I even took a quaalude before I got in here just to calm down a little bit. I'm not yelling at anybody.
[00:49:53] Riana: Feel like you're yelling is like blowing me out the door a little bit so can we try like lessening the volume and the pace of your words. This is some communication skills that might help you and Dave to get through some of your issues.
[00:50:06] Stuart: I don't think I have any issues. First off, I think all of the issues over on that side of the couch because all he does is sit there, he doesn't do anything
[00:50:16] Riana: now. See, Natalie, this is what we call blaming behavior? We don't want to keep blaming our partner. We have to learn to take responsibility for the things that you want to change within yourself.
[00:50:26] Stuart: He's just really sad. It's gross. Well,
[00:50:29] Riana: sad is because he's feeling the relationship is not working Dave. You tell us. Why do you come off sad.
[00:50:36] Stuart: Well, we talked about how she works all the time. I'm worried about her health since we've been together. She's gained about £200. That is only because I work a very stressful job very late at night. So I end up eating
[00:50:51] Riana: fast food. Natalie. Do you think balance in life is something we can work on? Just
[00:50:56] Stuart: eat with him when I'm with him because he's so boring. I need to excite
[00:50:59] Riana: myself. Well, what do you do for excitement, Natalie?
[00:51:02] Stuart: Well, I like to like to go thrift
[00:51:04] Riana: shopping that doesn't really involve Dave
[00:51:07] Stuart: No, it does involve me, basically what my job is, is to figure out how to fill the car with all of the things that we've
[00:51:13] Riana: bought. So you're the strategist. He's a shopper. He
[00:51:16] Stuart: just has to like move it around. I have to figure out what's going to be important that we buy
[00:51:22] Riana: Natalie. Are you attached to things
[00:51:24] Stuart: that sounds like a weakness? I'm not attached to anything. It's just I really like the stuff
[00:51:29] Riana: that I got. But do you have room for all that in your
[00:51:32] Stuart: home? We've been looking at buying a bigger house longer, can walk into my bathroom.
[00:51:38] Riana: So there's stuff all over the place,
[00:51:41] Stuart: stacks of magazines, but those magazines are important. I'm a little confused about the spare tires we have in our front yard. You never know when you're gonna need spare tires.
[00:51:51] Riana: Natalie, it sounds like there's a couple of addictions going in here. I mean between the hoarding and the eating and the spending for things you don't really want or need and I wouldn't have any
[00:52:00] Stuart: of these issues that Helga was more available.
[00:52:03] Riana: Oh, and who is she?
[00:52:05] Stuart: She's a friend, heard
[00:52:08] Riana: of Helga
[00:52:09] Stuart: who has a name like Helga, you know somebody named Helga?
[00:52:12] Riana: Dave doesn't know this friend?
[00:52:14] Stuart: I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. Helga is my girlfriend.
[00:52:18] Riana: Have a girlfriend.
[00:52:19] Stuart: Had no idea. This is when when were you gonna tell me? I love Helga, I think she's amazing and she's exciting. Everything about her is exciting.
[00:52:28] Riana: Well, what's exciting about her? She's
[00:52:30] Stuart: an incredible lover, but on top of that she rides this bitchen motorcycle and it's amazing to be on the back of
[00:52:38] Riana: that. So does they think you're working?
[00:52:41] Stuart: I get I don't know, he's kind of dumb. I don't know, you keep telling me you're you have to go away for the weekend? Well I do have to go away for the weekend. I'm not going to stay at home and ride motorcycles
[00:52:51] Riana: done. So there's a lot going on. So now there's also the sexual addiction,
[00:52:56] Stuart: there is one thing Dave does. That just drives me absolutely nuts though.
[00:53:00] Riana: Okay, let's get it all out, Natalie. What else do you have for me?
[00:53:04] Stuart: You know, he puts the toilet paper on the roll so that it doesn't come out the top,
[00:53:09] Riana: it comes out the bottom.
[00:53:10] Stuart: Do you know what I'm talking about with that?
[00:53:12] Riana: I do know what you're talking about. Does that really bother you, Natalie? Oh
[00:53:16] Stuart: my God, it's so irritating.
[00:53:18] Riana: Ok, now, Dave, did you know that, that this was something that really upset Natalie?
[00:53:22] Stuart: It does kind of get her go mm
[00:53:25] Riana: hmm. So this is a passive aggressive move. I see. You know what Natalie? I think you're right. I think this relationship is not gonna work.
[00:53:34] Stuart: Thank you so much for joining us for sketch comedy podcast show. We hope you enjoyed listening to it as much as we enjoyed making it. Make sure to head over to sketch comedy podcast show dot com there. You can subscribe to the show, head over to Youtube and watch some of the videos and sketches we've done there. Maybe head over to Patreon and become a patron to the show that would be so much appreciated or you can leave a review someplace or if you're feeling really saucy apply to be on the show. I appreciate every single one of you that listens to the show and I would love to hear more from you. Now. I've got to get this out of the way sketch comedy podcast show is protected under a creative commons attribution. No derivatives, four point oh international license. Which means that if you would like to reproduce anything in the show, please contact the show so that I can get you the right material for it. And also this show is copyright 2022 Stewart Rice. Every day we are given a choice. Can we do the funny thing or the not so funny thing. I'm going to urge you to do the funny thing today and create an improvised comedy adventure of your own. Take care, see you next episode. Yeah.